Ryan and the girls 3 days old.On August 15th, at 28 weeks gestation, after 36 hours of premature labor that just wasn't stopping no matter what they pumped into me, Clara and Chloe were born into this world.
Clara was 2lbs 4oz, and 13 3/4in long. She came out kicking up a storm apparently, and I heard her cry. She was tiny, but healthy, and breathing on her own, which was unexpected.
Chloe was 2lbs 9oz, and 14 in. long. I remember the doctor and nurses laughing because I think she came out swinging those tiny legs as well. She needed to be resuscitated, and 1 minute after being born into this world, she took her first breath. She was tiny and healthy, and breathing on her own.
They are miracles. I know this. Most 28 weekers need to be on ventilators. The girls didn't need to be. Not ever in their 2 month stay in the NICU. The girls bed neighbors, 28 week twin boys, were on ventilators, and not doing so well. (After 2 and a half months, they were able to go home ,and we see them from time to time)
Two months, thousands of moments of doubt, and depression. Don't get me wrong, the NICU is wonderful, with wonderful nurses. But to look back, and think of those 2 months ... it is very rough, and emotional for me. After I had the girls, I cried a lot. I couldn't see them until 6 or 7 hours after they were born, because I was stuck in bed. The first time I saw them, was in pictures. Covered in tubes. When I saw them in person for the first time ... I remember being dumbstruck by how beautiful they were ... and how small.
Fingers that could break so easily. No fat, just skin and bones. Seeing every rib, every bump in the spine.
As astounded as I was by their beauty, I was equally crushed. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to carry them longer, for not being able to give them more time to grow.
For two months, I cried every night I had to leave them. For two months, I cringed every morning when they did blood work, and had to hear their small, weak cries. For two months, my heart raced every time their oxygen dropped, or their heart rates dropped. For two months, I was such a mess, that I constantly pushed everyone away, and constantly doubted myself as a mother, because I couldn't hold out.
But it wasn't all tears and sadness. For two months, I got to see the amazing process of two babies growing every single day. I got to experience ultimate happiness when I got to hold them for the first time, and when the girls took to the bottle on the first try, and when I could dress them in clothes that were, yes, miles to big, even at preemie size ... but they were wearing clothes! When I saw them in a crib, instead of an incubator ... and I don't think I have ever been happier, to this day, then the day I took them home.
I owe my life to the amazing nurses who tube fed the girls, helped me bottle feed them when they were big enough, gave them medicine, and caffeine shots to stimulate breathing, held and rocked them when we had to go home for the night, and as soon as those alarms went off, they were there, making sure their apnea's didn't last too long. Without these nurses, without those doctors, who knows if they girls would have lived through some of those scary moments.
Love you, Clara and Chloe! Fighting for you was worth it! FIGHT FOR PREEMIES!
Clara was 2lbs 4oz, and 13 3/4in long. She came out kicking up a storm apparently, and I heard her cry. She was tiny, but healthy, and breathing on her own, which was unexpected.
Chloe was 2lbs 9oz, and 14 in. long. I remember the doctor and nurses laughing because I think she came out swinging those tiny legs as well. She needed to be resuscitated, and 1 minute after being born into this world, she took her first breath. She was tiny and healthy, and breathing on her own.
They are miracles. I know this. Most 28 weekers need to be on ventilators. The girls didn't need to be. Not ever in their 2 month stay in the NICU. The girls bed neighbors, 28 week twin boys, were on ventilators, and not doing so well. (After 2 and a half months, they were able to go home ,and we see them from time to time)
Two months, thousands of moments of doubt, and depression. Don't get me wrong, the NICU is wonderful, with wonderful nurses. But to look back, and think of those 2 months ... it is very rough, and emotional for me. After I had the girls, I cried a lot. I couldn't see them until 6 or 7 hours after they were born, because I was stuck in bed. The first time I saw them, was in pictures. Covered in tubes. When I saw them in person for the first time ... I remember being dumbstruck by how beautiful they were ... and how small.
Fingers that could break so easily. No fat, just skin and bones. Seeing every rib, every bump in the spine.
As astounded as I was by their beauty, I was equally crushed. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to carry them longer, for not being able to give them more time to grow.
For two months, I cried every night I had to leave them. For two months, I cringed every morning when they did blood work, and had to hear their small, weak cries. For two months, my heart raced every time their oxygen dropped, or their heart rates dropped. For two months, I was such a mess, that I constantly pushed everyone away, and constantly doubted myself as a mother, because I couldn't hold out.
But it wasn't all tears and sadness. For two months, I got to see the amazing process of two babies growing every single day. I got to experience ultimate happiness when I got to hold them for the first time, and when the girls took to the bottle on the first try, and when I could dress them in clothes that were, yes, miles to big, even at preemie size ... but they were wearing clothes! When I saw them in a crib, instead of an incubator ... and I don't think I have ever been happier, to this day, then the day I took them home.
I owe my life to the amazing nurses who tube fed the girls, helped me bottle feed them when they were big enough, gave them medicine, and caffeine shots to stimulate breathing, held and rocked them when we had to go home for the night, and as soon as those alarms went off, they were there, making sure their apnea's didn't last too long. Without these nurses, without those doctors, who knows if they girls would have lived through some of those scary moments.
Love you, Clara and Chloe! Fighting for you was worth it! FIGHT FOR PREEMIES!
