Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Regrets are just a part of life. Whether it is regretting that one night stand you had back in your younger days, fighting with a loved one, or eating that bad ass hamburger with the huge side order of greasy fries, they are there. They will either haunt you, and run you down, or they will make you the type of person you are in this moment.
Regrets used to hold me down. Make me feel like I was drowning in them.
Things like ...
I wish I didn't yell at my parents today.
I feel terrible about yelling at the girls today.
I really wish I didn't buy that, because now I'm broke.
I wish I didn't push my brother into a fence when we were younger.
and the worst one ...
I regret having children.
There. I said it. Not so fast though.
This isn't a constant regret, like the others I have listed. It's not like I am kicking my ass everyday for having kids. It's a "pop and go" one, if you will. On days where they drive me up the wall. On days where I want to pull my hair out, because honestly, that would feel better on the brain then having to deal with the constant fighting, screaming, whining, and crying.
Even though it is not a regret that I have everyday (or even every month), it is enough to drown me with guilt.
How does a good mother feel that way?
How does a good PERSON?
WHY did they end up with ME as a parent?
Recently, I finally sought help for my depression and anxiety. I have been suffering with this since I was 13 years old. 10 years. I am feeling loads better, but will admit, I still don't feel "normal" ... if I even know what that means at this stage in my life.
This help, has made me analyse my life. My daughters. My decisions. My path. It's helped me make better choices.
One of them? Not torturing myself for things I can't control ... and the things I can, but haven't.
I know that I love Clara and Chloe. They are my world. Quite literally. Since I was 18, they have been the air I breathe. I am with them 24/7. I wake up with them, I take care of them, I love them unconditionally.
When there are days where I wish I didn't have them, there are a hundred more days that I am the happiest woman in the world to have had them.